Good for me. Its the weekend.

ORN: 5 miles, 5/1
"Running" total - 10.6 miles

Hooah

I have decided that I don't hate my job or my life. I hate my employer (who shall remain nameless on the 1 in a million chance that the wrong person reads this). I'm too tired to complain anyway.

I have to give a lecture tomorrow. I didn't prepare in time, so I had to skip the run. I probably need a rest day anyway. Diet is going ok.

Hopefully I will have something profound to say about something at some point. Today is the 20th anniversary of the Chernobyl disaster. I am sure there is more where that came from. Pick your poison - global warming from fossile fules or toxic cesspools from nuclear reactors. Screw my great-grandkids. I am sure I wouldn't like them anyway.

Fatty Fat Fatty

I ran again today. Wow, two days in a row. Tomorrow will need to be a cross training day as my legs were really feeling it. Feeling fine.

More clinic today. Seems like everyone is crazy. Maybe its just me. I can't figure out it I hate my job specifically or my life generally. I'm pretty sure its my job as I am happy when I am home. I talked to my old med school friends in Chicago. Unhappiness with the medical profession was the underlying theme. I think part of it is unrealistic expectations. You go to medical school with the idea that you will become a God and change the world. When you finish all you get is another plain old job just like everyone else. I should have become a history professor. The grass is always greener....

ORN:
Run 3 miles
"Running" total 5.6 miles

Riverwalk

Today was the first day of my new lifestyle change. According to John, I am in the "inspiration" stage. I don't feel overwhelmingly inspired, but I do feel positive about my performance on day #1. I ran about 2.5 miles on the Riverwalk. It was a bit hot, but the scenery was beautiful. I thought mostly about how far I have regressed from when I was running 30 miles a week. Not exactly positive thinking, but I also remember when I couldn't run around the block, so I guess it evens out. I don't really have a running plan yet. I am just trying to remember how to put one foot in front of the other.

Saw a ton of clinic at work today. Nothing interesting, as usual.

Past

Today in church we talked about how much easier it is to walk towards a goal looking forward rather than always looking back over your shoulder. While I do agree with this idea, I find my past fitness demons so close at my heels that it is impossible to keep facing forward. When I was in grade school and Jr. High I was always "chubby". While I was never the "fat" kid, my weight prevented me from ever feeling socially acceptable. Anyone who has ever been routinely teased about being fat as a kid knows that it is nearly impossible to overcome the feelings of inadequacy that becomes embedded in your self-consciousness. Jennifer and I were looking at some old high school photos of the two of us yesterday. I was absolutely stunned at how skinny I was. I remember when the pictures were taken. At that time, I truly thought I was fat. I have never been anorexic or bulemic, but as a result of my younger "chubby" days, I have never had and will likely never have a normal body image. Looking forward isn't as easy as it sounds.

Saturday night

Two weeks ago I flew to Chicago and took my boards. The experience was the single most painful experience of my academic career. I have never felt physically ill after taking a test before. All the studying and worrying put me behind at work, so the last two weeks have been crazy.

I am trying to re-commit to a healthy lifestyle. I want to lose 40 pounds and eventually train for a marathon. This is part of the reason that I am writing this Blog. I have never kept a journal before, so I really don't know what to write. I guess I will make it up as I go along. I am feeling fatter and slower than I have since my intern year. I know what I need to do to feel better, but I don't seem to have the courage to start making any real changes. Monday is the day I am going change. Unfortunately, I have had many Monday's that were going to be the day I change. I usually don't make it past Tuesday before giving up. Despair. I wish I had the passion of John Bingham. John is one of my heroes. His guidance helped me lose 50 pounds and finish a half-marathon 4 years ago. Unfortunately, I fell off the wagon into a pile of jelly doughnuts and haven't been able to lift my fat ass back on again.

Several months later....

I am still hear, fatter and slower than ever. I have to take boards next weekend. After that, I am thinking about restarting my blog. My theme may be a bit "broader" however. If you don't get the quotations indicating a pun, you haven't seen my ass lately.